Evening thoughts 1/19
Since I came out of my mothers womb, I have been a fighter. I was 4 weeks premature and weighing less than a 5lb bag of sugar. The hospital wanted to keep me but my mother wanted to take me home as she knew that I was safer with her. Oddly enough the doctor was in agreement and told my mother "shes a girl and shes black... she will be just fine". So I came into this world prepped and ready to take down whomever tried to get in my way of my success. And for the most part... I was "successful". What I went for I got, even the losses were cool because it set me up for what really was for me. I've cussed folks out and had to chin check a few for anyone who thought they could verbally or physically assault me. In my mind as Denzel said in Training Day "King King aint got nothing on me!!!"
Fast forward to now. I'm 38 about to be 39 in April. Happily married with 2 beautiful and intelligent girls, a son who will make his entrance next month, 2 wonderful bonus babies, 2 cats, a dog and a warm and loving home. I bet you're wondering why I put "successful" in quotes a few sentences back?? It's because what I defined as "success" in my 20's and early 30's does not translate to who I am now. For one... I am tired of fighting. I am tired of having to pivot and shift, scream and yell for positions and/or things that I thought were for me. I'm tired of sitting at the same boring ass tables that no longer serve me, pour into me, and I just keep around to pay the bills but sometimes it feels like it's not enough. Im tired of having to hustle with a full time job. I heard someone say "the same folks that feed you can starve you" and I've experienced that first hand. I'm tired of having the invisible ball and chain around my neck and whenever someone feels like I'm getting too big for my britches they attempt to bring me back down. I'm tired of feeling like I'm drowning every other breath. I'm tired of using metaphors to describe my dysregulated nervous system when in fact it's not a metaphor at all... I'm really drowning in this bitch. I really can't breathe. I really feel the chokehold of corporate America, the dismantling of healthcare, the fall of America. And your good sis is tired of fighting.
It's not that I'm giving up on myself. I just see everything through a different lens. My success is determined on if my spirit is happy and healthy, my cup is full... because that means my children and my husband get the best version of myself. And my FAMILY takes precedent over anything or anybody. I want to look back 50 years from now knowing I made the right decision in choosing my family and myself.
So how does anyone get there.? For me... it's taking a step back. I'm not quiet quitting from my job, I'm simply not giving them all of me. For the individuals who used to suck the life out of me... consider this your eviction notice. I won't go back and forth with anyone. I'll simply walk away.
This next phase of my life is dedicated to pouring into me. And I won't apologize for it.
This really hit home to be honest. That shift from always having to fight for everything, to realising you’re just tired of being in that mode all the time, I feel that.
There’s something powerful in what you said about not giving everything of yourself anymore. Not in a negative way, just protecting your energy and choosing what actually deserves you.
And the way you’ve redefined success, putting your peace and your family first, that’s the bit that really hit me. It’s not giving up, it’s just seeing things differently.
Really appreciate how real this was.
I swear we all feeling the same things. It’s weird noticing that what we were told was the best for us is in fact what’s hurting us in a lot of ways. I think we’re sensing the shift in real time, but most don’t know how to articulate it just yet. But you just did. Thanks for sharing 👌🏾.